I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
