Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize