why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
