Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
