I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
