All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
