Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize