I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
