when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
