just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
