i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
