Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
