just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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