i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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