my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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