I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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