afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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