I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
