I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
