Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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