Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
