dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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