i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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