Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
