YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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