I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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