am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
