woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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