I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
