Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
