If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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