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• (619): View more from California

  he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  so you masturbated because Oprah told you?

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  I saved lives by not driving this morning

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'

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• (406): View more from Montana

  As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

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• (661): View more from California

  Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?

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• (818): View more from California

  Tell me how you feel about belly buttons

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches

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