dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
