I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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