you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
