neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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