just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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