I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We had sex on a dog bed..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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