My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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