At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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