everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
