I'm lost and stupid without you.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
this hospital has no fireball
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
