cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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