WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
