I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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