She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize