we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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