I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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