if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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