I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
