I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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