I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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