I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
