what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
