So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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