Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
bring money and cleavage
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
