I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
there was a trapeze. enough said
nutella sex= disaster
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
