every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
