Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize